Very few real details have surfaced as to the reaction of LeAnn Rimes' ex-husband Dean Sheremet, who didn't go out and smash his wife's car with a golf club, key the clearcoat, or slash his name into her leather seats. However, here at Screed of Momus, we note that if we were in his situation, we'd be tempted to do those sorts of things--or whip out a few of these equally badassed, awesomely wrong revenge tactics.
1. Dust the inside of her thong panties with either hot chili powder or itch powder.
2. Donate her brand new living room furniture and/or bedroom suite to Goodwill.
3. Engaged? Take the ring back, even cutting it off of her finger if you have to.
4. Change her e-mail's auto response to "I'm unavailable today because of a herpes flare-up."
5. "Forget" where you parked her car across town in a bad neighborhood.
6. Take those naked pics of her and put them on the Internet, with the attached stipulation that everyone viewing has probably already seen the goods, given that she's a total cheating whore.
7. Invite your best buddies to a kegger in her backyard, using her furniture, collectible curios, and scrapbooks of childhood and college sorority memories as kindling.
8. Resist the urge to break up with her until the day she has an important meeting or a brunch with her mom-then give her an appropriate label with a Sharpie like "Whore" or "Slut" on her forehead. Maybe even "Dick goes here" on the cheek with an arrow towards her mouth.
9. Serve up some Ex-Lax chocolate cheesecake to give her puh-lenty of time to sit and think about what she's done.
10. Offer to give her a trim down there with the electric razor, and then show her how adultery by females is treated and/or prevented in the Third World: female circumcision.
Now, now, now...before you get angry with me, and start fulminating in the comments section, read this article in Cosmopolitan and think about how violence towards a male cheater is routinely legitimized within the media. Also, compare my suggestions to those offered by Cosmopolitan, because other than inverting the gender, I haven't done anything that different. And Dean...you didn't lose that much, brother. She's an ass.
And consider the following list of female cheaters, and think about what the reaction would have been had their spouses or significant others chased them into a driveway with a golf club upon hearing of their extracurricular activities:
Whoopi Goldberg, Madonna, LeAnn Rimes, Jessica Simpson, Tori Spelling, Meg Ryan, Kelly Brook, Jennifer Lopez, and Britney Spears. This list doesn't count the various women who knowingly and willfully sleep with married men and somehow escape culpability for their actions, even to the point of cashing in at over $1 million a mistress, as Tiger Woods' various mistresses did.