After Cain smashed the two gallons of milk, he slipped and slid in the milk while his friends recorded, because at 5 p.m. in the afternoon, there is apparently no alcohol in Omaha for 21-year-olds to drink. Therefore, they must traipse down to the Hy-Vee and smash gallons of milk instead of getting smashed at home or a bar. When Cain was confronted by the police officer responding to the call placed by Hy-Vee's employees, he told the officer the simple truth: "Obviously, I did do it on purpose." Like, duh, man.
There is no honor among gallon smashers, because Cain's friends fled the store and left him behind to face the citation and the six months in jail that go along with misdemeanor criminal mischief. All told, Cain managed to destroy two gallons of milk, 27 boxes of cereal, 65 boxes of Pop-Tarts, and one box of food coloring. His virgin rectum has yet to be destroyed, but the good residents of the county lockup will most assuredly take care of that with their own tradition: reaming.
A Virginia video of this phenomenon has managed to generate 3 million hits on Youtube, because American children are dumber than hell, and American adults don't hit their children hard or often enough.
Speaking of individuals who weren't spanked hard enough as children, we have Richard Handler, CEO of the Jeffries Group, who made $45 million last year and owns a penthouse in Tribeca. Mr. Handler, 51, is suing his neighbors across the street because he alleges that their elevator shaft will interfere with his 360 degree panoramic views. As his lawsuit puts it, the elevator shaft's obstruction of his panoramic views of the Manhattan skyline will cause him "real and irreparable harm," and his penthouse pied-à- terre will just not be the same. First world one percent problems, people. They're real, and they're terrifying. Mr. Handler, who lives in South Salem, where he owns a lakefront mansion, is determined to keep the panoramic views of his penthouse preserved from the obstruction of a building whose roof is 30 feet below his view.
In news that proves karma is a 500 lb fat man sitting in your lap and screaming at you, we have the story of Billy the Fridge, a 500 lb fat man who burst into an interview with David Phelps, son of Westboro Baptist Church preacher and disbarred lawyer Fred Phelps. Billy proceeded to sit on David Phelps, naked, and screamed one question repeatedly: "Who's your daddy now, David?" He opened with a roaring statement: "Leviathan will get you!"
Somehow, Phelps managed to get out from under Billy the Fridge, and somehow, Billy the Fridge managed to haul his 500 lb body down the street in pursuit of Phelps while continuing to scream the earlier question about who David's paterfamilias was. Here's the video:
All of this was due to the plan of Battlecam to host a live crucifixion of a man in Beverly Hills, an event which provoked the ire of David Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church for its sacrilegious overtones.
While Billy the Fridge may be 500 lbs, he still demonstrates admirable mobility for a man his size. Our next story, however, deals with obesity of a different stripe, the lazy, immobile, and mooching off of Medicare and Medicaid kind. Government inspectors are claiming that up 80% of the scooters Medicare pays for go to people who are ineligible for the scooters. Their obesity is only exacerbated by the fact that the scooter enables their lifestyle to become even more sedentary. And so it is that the core health issue that leads to their other health issues like diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease is compounded by the scooter that enables obese people on Medicare to get around without physical exertion.
The government is cracking down on the Scooter Store and other vendors, because Medicare is only supposed to pay for scooters when seniors are unable to use a cane, walker, or regular wheelchair. For years, however, the Scooter Store, which along with competitor Hoveround makes up 70% of the U.S. scooter market, has been advertising scooters with the selling point that nine out of ten people don't pay a dime. The U.S. Department of Justice previously sued the Scooter Store and settled for $4 million back in 2007, but one of the terms of that settlement required the Scooter Store to be periodically audited. As a result, government auditors found that the Scooter Store received up to $88 million in improper payments last year.
Initially, the Scooter Store didn't repay any of that money until the inspector general of the Department of Health and Human Services threatened to ban the company from doing business with Medicare. The Department of Justice was hardcore: the Scooter Store informed the government that it was willing to repay just $19.5 million, and the Medicare caved, saying that it accepted the fee based on the Scooter Store's own estimate of what it owed.
Ladies, gentlemen: fat people on scooters getting fatter, and fat government payouts for fat people coupled with fat penalties for overpayment that manage to get skinnier over time. Your government in action, and stupid again sweeps the nation.
In news that only further exemplifies why Wal-Mart is idiotic and evil, the company has announced a plan to crowd-source delivery of its online orders. Customers who are picking up in-store would rent out space in their cars and deliver the packages for online customers to their homes, because this model is likely to really undercut Amazon. Wal-Mart's history of crowd-sourcing has been successful thus far, as its ability to finance construction of its supercenters with property and sales tax exemptions would indicate. There's also the delivery of healthcare to its underpaid employees who can't afford the company-provided health coverage, because their healthcare is crowd-sourced to U.S. taxpayers via Medicaid. So too are government subsidized housing and government supplemented food benefits crowdsourced, because Wal-Mart is really a fan of crowd-sourcing.
Crowd-sourcing the Wal-Mart way, people, or, as the rest of us like to call it, passing the buck to others. It's the Wal-Mart way, and the capitalist free market at work! You know, the Visible Hand of the Market, doling out subsidies, exemptions, abatements, and healthcare and food benefits to your serfs, er, laborers. It's the stupid, and again, it's sweeping the nation via the latest crowd-sourcing idea from Wal-Mart.
Our final story of the stupid sweeping our nation comes to us via Hypoluxo, Florida, where U.S. Marine Corps veteran Gregory Schaffer returned after serving in Iraq to find that he couldn't fly his flag in the front yard of his rented home. A neighbor complained to the city, and he was cited for a code violation. The flag pole requires a building permit because it qualifies as a structure, and since Schaffer is renting the home, he can't apply for the permit directly. He has to go through a third party building contractor, which would cost him over $1,000. As the story puts it:
Whatever happens, Schaffer said he has no animosity toward the anonymous neighbor who complained.
The veteran said he knows complaining and petitioning are freedoms he fought for while serving in the armed forces.
"I respect their right to be able to file a complaint and handle things the way they did. Do I respect what they did? No. I respect their ability to do so," said Schaffer.
Well, isn't that just wonderful. The Scooter Store gets to lower its overcharges from $88 million to $19.5 million, and Marine Gregory Schaffer gets hosed with a thousand dollar application fee to fly his American flag in Hypoluxo, Florida. Maybe the Marine should get the soft treatment, and the fraudster company should get hosed. But in the stupid that's sweeping our nation, the opposite is true.
I'm Jay Batman, and this was Roundup for the Friday, March 29, 2013.